Ross Noble - Live Review

Ross Noble - Nobleism. Live at the Cliffs Pavilion, Southend - 8th October 2007.

Before we start, let’s get one fact straight, Ross Noble is a comedy genius.

Like Frank Skinner (see earlier post!), I go back further than I care to remember with Ross, and again it was at our local comedy club that he first came to my attention. As someone who has watched live comedy for over 20 years, seeing hundreds of acts in the process, Ross is probably the comedian I most admire. The vast majority of comedians turn up with the set memorised, heckler 'putdowns' written, and the jovial audience banter well scripted (and the next time they turn up you can hear it all again word-for-word!). Ross Noble however pretty much just turns up and wings it!

The evenings at the Joker comedy club where we were lucky enough to have Ross as a compere, will probably be the funniest nights the club will ever see. All Ross ever needed was to see something and he'd be off - someone's T-shirt, a bit of décor in the room, a late comer sloping in, anything! - a springboard into the ad-libbed pool of comedy, each topic providing a link to yet another piece of on the spot improvisation. There was always a bit of scripted material in the back pocket for emergencies, but to be honest, it was rarely needed. If you've never seen him perform, don't go thinking that the guy must be a lazy good fer nuthin’ who can’t be bothered to write material. The stuff he creates live before your eyes is nothing short of stunning, and every single show he performs is totally unique. How scary must that be?! Walking out to deliver two hours of carefully crafted material is probably nerve-wracking enough, but walking out to ad lib for two or three hours??!

Fast forward to today, and Ross is arguably the hottest comedy act on the ‘big venue’ circuit. Married to an Australian, he has set himself up with the perfect life -- 6 months in Oz, six months in the UK -- and in both countries the majority of that time is spent on tour. It's genuinely what he loves to do.

Unlike some comedians who move on to the big circuit, Ross has never felt obliged to reinvent his act for the large audience -- essentially he does what he always did in the small smokey clubs, just walk on stage and see what happens! The announcement of a new tour for most acts heralds the arrival of fresh material -- but with Ross you get that every night (bar the odd bit of scripted material shoehorned in). Back in 2002, my partner and I followed the Sonic Waffle tour for a bit, seeing four or five shows in the space of a couple of weeks, and every show was at least 90% different.

Noble’s ramblings were once again up to his usual high standard, he does close on 3 hours tonight, and the whole time he paces the stage, like a caged tiger looking for a way out. Caught in traffic on the way to the venue he tells us that he found himself stuck outside the Jehovah's Witness church in Southend, leaving his mind to wander on how they would react if he had to knock on their door in the event of an emergency… A line about his own funeral arrangements had a friend and I in serious trouble - both unable to control our laughing for several minutes after he had moved on! And all he said was he's thinking of being placed in a coffin with sausages down his trousers, a few chops down his pants and a pound of mince meat under a top hat. He said he liked the idea of everyone salivating as the coffin rolled slowly into the flames, roasting the contents to perfection…. You probably had to be there, but his overactive brain throws this stuff out all night long.

Nope, Ross is as good as ever, yet something has changed, and not for the better. Ross relies on his audience to provide him with the raw material for his act, but in the last couple of years a worrying trend has started. People (and for people read 'wacky student types') seem to have decided it's not good enough for Ross to get his comedy from unsuspecting subjects (couples arriving late, the woman in the front rows lovely scarf etc), and they now wants to be the 'stars' of the show. We've seen a marked rise in youngsters in the front few rows sporting stupid hats, knowing full well Ross won't be able to resist the bait. But the ridiculing of someone who wants to be ridiculed somehow is no longer fun. By far the most annoying trend has started during the half-time interval, where armies of wacky ones leave all manner of shite on the stage; funny notes (I use the word ‘funny’ in the loosest possible way), crappy homemade T-shirts, pieces of popcorn, sweets, you name it – whatever it is, they all have the same thing in common, they ain't funny. But like a junkie walking out to see 30 lines of coke set up for his pleasure, Ross can't help himself, and will always make a beeline for this tat. Tonight was the worst I’ve ever seen, the stage was covered, and it took him just over 45 minutes of the second half to work his way through all the rubbish that had been left there. The truth is, it's funny for one or two people in the audience (i.e. the twats who put it there), for everyone else it’s boring. How funny is someone's bus pass going to be for an audience of 1500 people? Of course the owner of the bus pass goes home feeling like ‘Charlie Big Potatoes’, thinking (wrongly) he was the star of the show.

The second half of Noble gigs are starting to become a bore I’m afraid, as he methodically works through these 'gifts' – and the rest of the audience loses out on 45 minutes that could have been filled with good material. And of course, each time he does it, he seals his fate for the next time he returns to the venue, as those who see it this time plan to get in on the act next time around.

How we got in this mess I don't really know -- Ross really shouldn't pander to these cretins, he has the audience in the palm of his hands and could stop the trend almost immediately, yet instead chooses to alienate the vast majority of his audience by allowing it to continue. Personally I'd walk on stage with a bin liner, chuck the fucking lot in and then carry on the act is normal... or better still have a stage hand walk out and clear it before returning for the second half.

Everyone I've spoken to who went to tonights gig has said the same thing (without any prompting from me) the first half was genius and the second half was tedious whilst he went through all the crap left on stage.

So there you have it, Ross still is a comedy genius, his new trendy audience however are far from it -- and are in danger of ruining his act for him.

Piley

Here's a clip of Ross in Action that you can view from the comfort of this blog, rather than hiking it over to You Tube.. enjoy!

The Nervous Wait

Well, the time is nearly here, in just a few short weeks, the long wait will finally be over, and things will never be quite the same again. But that hasn’t stopped the worry, nerves and sleepless nights kicking in already…. The imminent arrival of my first child? Nah, another of my favourite comics is making the dangerous move to the big screen!

It really does make me very worried when a story I’ve cherished (often for many years) is turned into a movie. On the whole, they are unmitigated disasters (I draw the jury's attention to The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen), with the - often complex - story lines dumbed down to make it ‘lowest common denominator’ fodder. This really pisses me off on two counts;

1) Something I’ve loved for years has now been ruined, and will be tainted by this balls-up forever. The producer, cast and crew will move on, and probably never cared about the original in the first place anyway, but the original fans of the comic are left to face the music and the smug looking smirks handed out by the rest of the office.

2) It gives critics yet another excuse to ridicule comics (like they need another one!). It really annoys me when comic books are dismissed as ‘superhero nonsense’ and ‘kids stuff’. It is also a really lazy description, at least 25 years out of date.

Comics have been doing a lot of growing up since the 1980’s, and the general target audience for most titles are now adults. Yeah, there are still plenty of superhero titles on the shelves, but even these have become darker and more complex, often stripping away the insecurities to show the vulnerable person behind the mask.

There are some truly inspiring comics out there these days, and just like you can buy a novel on pretty much any subject, the same can be said for the comic (the ‘graphic’ novel).

So which title has been selected for the latest round of Hollywood Comic Book Transformation (otherwise known as Russian roulette)? 30 Days of Night.

On the whole, I am not that crazy about the horror comic book genre, but I love this title. I love the fact that back in 1999, a newly formed independent comic company (IDW) took a gamble and picked this untried story as their first ever release. I love the fact that the faith they showed resulted in a money making cult following, that has spawned a number of sequel comics. I love the fact that on the back of this title (and the money it brought in), IDW have become a real force in the comic book market. Oh, and I love the fact that 30 Days of Night is probably the scariest fuckin comic I’ve ever read!!

Written by Steve Niles and drawn by Ben Templesmith, 30 Days of Night is set in Barrow, Alaska, where at 12:50pm on November 18, the sun dips below the horizon and is not seen again until 11:51am on January 24 (true). The simple (but none the less genius) idea is that a bunch of vampires decide this would be one handy place to chow down for a month, without that pesky sunlight getting in their way. It falls to Sheriff Eben Olemaun and his wife Stella to try and save the town.

The story is short, but great, with some accurate historical vampire ‘facts’ woven in, but it’s the artwork that gets me. There is a real edginess to the drawings, they are harsh and not nice to look at, leaving you feeling a little disturbed at the end - a bit like when you used to watch a horror film when you were 11 or 12. You’d brave it out and (try to) laugh at it, but afterwards it all felt a bit creepy, and the dark walk to the bedroom was a killer! For a comic book to be able to convey that uncomfortable feeling is a real accomplishment.

So what will the film be like? I imagine it’ll be an over the top bloodbath horror, that loses the subtleties of the original storyline, but makes up for it with, mmm I don't know, more blood perhaps?! Josh Hartnett and Melissa George are playing the heroes, but the handling of this film will determine whose side I’m on this time around!!

30 Days of Night gets its UK release on 1st November 2007 (19th October in the US).

UPDATE: The trailer for 30 Days of Night has just been released, and y'know what, it looks ok!! Not a drop of blood in it either! Check it our right here at Start The Revolution Without Me:

That eBay Thang

Who else remembers the carefree halcyon days of eBay, when you could get just about anything you wanted; rare bootleg CDs, unofficial DVDs of concerts recorded from the crowd, Nazi memorabilia, even a bit of under the counter smut -- it was all there!

Then two or three years ago, eBay started to get tough, and 'inappropriate' listings were removed….. eventually. To the shrewd seller it was a small inconvenience, as a carefully timed auction (lasting no longer than three days) usually completed before the eBay police spotted it. But in the last year or so, nothing. How did eBay get so shit hot at spotting snide listings? With something like 4 million auctions on the go at any one time, I find it incredible that they can now weed them so accurately and effectively. I don't know what they've done, but I'm pleased to see that there are some sellers out there still trying to get one over on them.

eBay may now have the inappropriate listings sewn up, but the inappropriate accompanying photo appears to be the last remaining thorn in their side. There are always a large number of innocent looking auctions on eBay, but buyers beware, there is a growing trend for sellers to 'accidentally' photograph themselves in the nude in the accompanying picture. The goods in question here are usually (but not always) silver/chrome kitchenware with a high polish finish. Look closer at the reflection in that toaster you had your eye on, are you sure you still want it??!

The craze now even has a name, reflectoporn, a sure sign that incidents are on the increase. eBay are powerless to stop this abuse, as exhibitionist's around the world target the biggest site on the net to, a-hem, offer their wares.

Always good to see the little man (and judging by some of the examples I've seen, the 'not so little' man) getting one over on the corporates, but sadly, the sterling silver sugar tongs that I won last week, will alas now never be used.

I urge you to click on the images posted here for a better view (the dining table is genius!), but beware, you'll never view eBay in quite the same way again!

Piley

Why not check out my second Reflectoporn article Reflectoporn The Return, here

To The Mothmobile..

I can still remember the initial pride I felt when, flicking through the Sky channels, I stumbled upon some breaking news. This was the sort of reaction to a terrorist threat I wanted. Forget pissing about with scanners, x-rays and sniffer dogs, we now had Captain America, Batman and Robin on a rooftop in Downing Street and Spiderman keeping watch from the London Eye. Al Qaeda? Bollocks! But within seconds I was deflated…bloody fathers for justice.

Still, the thought of a real-life superhero does excite me. As a child in the 70’s, reading my monthly dose of American comic books (at that time, kindly shipped over by my aunt Winnie who had emigrated there), I used to really envy the crowds in those exciting comic strip panels. There would always be a large gathering, looking up from the street at the action going on about their heads. Fortunately (for the story at least), these onlookers were pretty vocal "woh! it's Spidey!" "his superhuman strength has enabled him to catch that aeroplane that had lost control" "he’s captured him single-handedly and is hanging him by his testicles from the flagpole" - well, I might have made that one up, but for regular Joe's, their conversations always seemed pretty descriptive, and who were they talking to anyway? But I digress… The point I'm trying to make is, just how cool would it be to have a real superhero in the neighbourhood? And with the ever increasing advances in technology and the world of science, I wonder just how long it will be before this is a reality?

There have been a few stories in the news recently which must have put a spring in the step of any budding Peter Parker or Bruce Wayne out there.

It’s been over seven years now since pig to human transplants commenced, but earlier this month, news broke that the creation of embryos that are part human and part animal would be given the go-ahead. The Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (HFEA) have given the green light for UK scientists to, in layman's terms, place human DNA into an animal's egg. The story (unsurprisingly) caused outrage among many groups, on both moral and religious grounds, but it left me daydreaming of the creation of Pigboy, Mothman or even Tigergirl.

In April this year kryptonite was discovered! (I kid you not!) A mineral that nobody could identify was mined in Serbia, and a London expert was sent out to work on it. After extensive testing, it transpired that the formula of this mystery mineral exactly matched the makeup of the fictional rock that Superman is so afraid of (sodium lithium boron silicate hydroxide).

Then, in August this year, perhaps the biggest breakthrough yet, scientists announced that it would be possible to create the gravity defying antics of Spiderman. Harnessing technology used by spiders and geckos (tiny hairs that stick to any surface), a suit that would enable a human to climb the walls of a building or hang upside down from a ceiling is now a reality. Well I'm putting me name down for one of these babies -- not sure if a life of crime fighting is quite me, but with a bucket and a good-quality chamois, surely I could revolutionise the world of window cleaning.

But then halfway through typing this blog it dawned on me, maybe I'm just not looking hard enough. Perhaps the superheroes are already out there, and guess what? They are! Just a few minutes with my good friend Mr Google brought the following to my attention:-

In Mexico City, Superbarrio is on the streets protecting the poor. He wears a fetching red and gold jumpsuit and a Mexican wrestling mask.

Iqaluit in Canada is the patch of Polarman. He specialises in clearing snow from people's drives, and prowls the streets late at night to avert danger for the good citizens of the town.

In New York, heroine Terrifica is the patron saint of pissed up ladies, as she cruises late-night bars and clubs dissuading men from taking advantage of the aforementioned women. Not only does this crime fighter have a pretty nifty outfit (red jumpsuit, golden eye mask, blonde wig, Valkyrie bra, red boots and a cape), she also dons a utility belt containing pepper spray, condoms, a mobile phone, lipstick, digital camera (for photographing any potential predators) and packs of Smarties.

These are just a few of the many real-life superheroes that are out there -- there is even a website where they can register their alter egos:

http://www.worldsuperheroregistry.com/world_superhero_registry_gallery.htm

It surely is only a matter of time now before you and I will be straining our necks to the sky shouting "Woh! Daddy Long-Legs Boy has captured the evil Chav, who was using a mobile phone whilst driving….".

Till then, tune in next time Bat Fans, same Bat Time, same Bat Channel.

Piley

Read more Piley musings on real life superheroes here, in my article 'No More Heroes'

Marc Bolan - A Tribute

Ever since I can remember, I have been a fan of Marc Bolan. I got a copy of ‘Metal Guru’ on 7 inch single for my sixth birthday in 1972, and used to have a right old rave up on the living-room floor to it (and still do when I can get the air and alcohol mixture just right!). So as a lifetime fan, and on today of all days, I thought it was time for a long overdue visit to the site where Bolan lost his life.

It was in the early hours of Friday, 16th of September 1977, that Bolan and his American girlfriend Gloria Jones (who had a hit with 'Tainted Love' in 1964) were travelling home in his purple mini 1275GT. Jones was at the wheel, she lost control and hit a tree at Barnes Bridge in Barnes, London. Marc was killed instantly, Gloria was severely injured but survived, and once she had recovered, returned to America.

So this morning, my partner Julie and I set off to visit the site of that fatal accident, exactly 30 years to the day since it happened.

We arrived just after midday, and although the shrine hides down a small, quiet lane (you have to park in a nearby road and finish the journey on foot), the closer you got to it, there seemed to be a real atmosphere in the air. The first thing that hit me, was the range of ages paying their respects. Middle-aged men and women, small children, old age pensioners, and even some rubber clad twentysomething cyberpunks - but that just about summed Bolan up, as even in the 70s (a time when there were great divides in music, and you weren't allowed to cross them), his appeal was surprisingly wide. There was a constant flow of people turning up, and apparently they had been doing so since 5 a.m. this morning (the actual time of the crash).

The shrine that has grown here over the years is really impressive, and we were really taken with the look and feel of the site, and the love and care that has obviously gone into its upkeep. But this hasn't always been the case. 12 years ago, the site was described by magazine review as "more like a shit hole than a shrine". The Marc Bolan club TAG (T.Rex Action Group) really should be commended for everything they have done to change all that. In the late 1990s it was announced that the tree was due to be felled, and as a direct result of this news, TAG was formed in 1999 by Fee Warner. Her work has been tireless and within a year of its creation, TAG had become the legal leaseholder of the 'Bolan tree' site, including full ownership and responsibility for the tree itself. In 2002 Fee paid for a bronze bust of Bolan to be created and placed at the site (and unveiled by Bolan's son Rolan, on the 25th anniversary of Marc’s death). Then in 2005, TAG funded the installation of five memorial plaques at the site. 4 to commemorate members of T.Rex who have passed away (Mickey Finn, Dino Dines, Steve Currie and Steve Peregrin Took) and another in memory of June Bolan, Marc's ex-wife.

You couldn't help but be moved by the genuine show of love all around -- notes, cards, flowers, posters, all from fans still touched by Bolan's life, here in the 21st century.

It was only a few weeks ago that we were remembering another legends passing 30 years ago, Elvis Presley. But I wonder how many other artists will still have the love and affection that was obviously on show today, 30 years on.

Weird Stuff

1. Bolan once told Gloria Jones that he didn't expect to see 30. He died two weeks before his 30th birthday.

2. A copy of the NME was found inside the wrecked car, it was open on an interview with Pete Townsend. The headline was titled 'Hope I die before I get old'.

3. Bolan never learnt to drive, as he feared he would die young in a car crash. Indeed he had had visions for most of his life of this happening.

4. In the song 'solid gold easy action' are the following lines:

a woman from the east with her headlights shining,
eased my pain and stopped me crying.

and

Easy as picking foxes from a tree

(the registration of Bolan's purple Mini 1275 GT was FOX 661L)

Below is a quick movie file I took at the site today (you can also click on the two photos above, to see them in a larger format):




You can find out more about the work of TAG here:
http://www.marc-bolan.org/

Marc's Slider album made my 'Best of 2007' list, yeah I know that sounds weird! but you can read about it here

Piley

Frank Skinner Live Review

Frank Skinner Live at The Towngate Theatre, Basildon - 13th Sept 2007.

I will confess, as a comedian, I have always liked Frank Skinner. Having caught glimpses of him without his stage persona on (the South Bank Show special and in parts, his autobiography), I'm not totally convinced he's quite the likeable, happy-go-lucky Brummie that he trys to portray. Indeed, a small slice of tonight’s show seems to catch him with his guard down and confirm these thoughts, but more on that later.

I go back a long way with Frank (real name Chris Collins), and will always have a soft spot for him. He used to be one of the resident comperes at my local comedy club (The Joker) back in the late 1980s/early 1990s (the other resident compere at that time was Lee Evans -- not a bad night out for a fiver!). Frank really got involved with the Southend crowd and there were running gags with certain hecklers that spanned dozens of shows. We saw them all come and go at The Joker, but Frank was one of the acts you always knew would make it. To be honest it was a double edged sword, you wanted him to get on because he deserved it, but in a more selfish kind of way, you wanted him to remain undiscovered, so he could stay at the Joker forever!

By the mid-90s he was doing regular large-scale tours on his own, but these ended abruptly after the 1997 tour (which played over 100 dates and ended with a 6000 seater sell out show at Battersea Power Station). I remember the 1997 tour well -- I went to the first or second night and it was the day after Princess Diana died. If you can remember back to the mood of what seemed like the whole country at that point, it must have been a daunting start for Skinner "I always like to start my comedy tours when the country is in national mourning" were his first words..

So live performances went by the wayside at the first opportunity. Unlike some stand-ups who seem to live to perform live (Ross Noble is a good example), Frank always seemed to be using his comedy act as a route into other avenues. Personally I have always felt that he was a frustrated singer, he never misses a trick, and tries to shoehorn in a song whenever possible (despite that awful nasal whine of his!). So as soon as TV came knocking, his live act became redundant.

So why after 10 years is he back on the road? I'm sure the official answer will be "missing the excitement of a live audience" or "giving my creativity of chance to blossom and write new material", however my guess is, the TV work has dried up a little, and there is a pension fund that could do with a top up.

Indeed it is his aging years that turn up as a reference time and time again throughout tonight’s show. Frank has always seemed one of those people desperate not to grow old, however at 50 he’s looking like he may finally have come to terms with the fact he’s not 20 anymore – he seems comfortable with himself and has even allowed his hair to go grey. If however if you are expecting a more ‘grown up’, age conscious Frank Skinner to deliver more insightful and thought-provoking comedy, you'd be disappointed. This is Skinner as he has always been; rude, crude, outrageous at times, non PC…. oh, and very funny!

His stand-up persona has always been a little at odds with his material, his 'cheeky chappie', mainstream delivery to me, harks back to people like Tarbuck or even Brucey. Yet the content (as was always the case) can be extremely close to the knuckle and uncomfortable at times. Many site Ricky Gervais as the new-age comedian who has instigated the return of the non PC stand up routine (albeit in an ironic way). Yet Skinner has been the master of this all along -- and his new material on display today will make you wince and squirm every bit as much as it ever did.

It was all here tonight -- Paedophilia ("when I grew up in the 1960s and 70s, kids used to run everywhere, they'd never walk. We had paedophiles around in those days, but they could never catch us. Now today with all this childhood obesity….."), his discovery and love of granny porn, having 'one night stand' sex with a fan only for her two-year-old daughter to walk in during the act, Muslims, disability, and indeed, Muslims with disability, as Abu Hamza also came in for the Skinner treatment ("having two hook hands would be too much to bare for many people, but fortunately, he likes corn on the cob"). Like Gervais, it's all about the delivery -- and they both seem to be able to get away with murder by the way they load and fire the gag. You can't take it seriously (although it was interesting to note a number of empty seats in the second half, so maybe some DID) and the irony of it can't fail to hit you in the face - something that was/is missing from a lot of the old school 70s comedians (the Bernard Mannings, Jimmy Jones’ and Jim Davidson's of this world), where the delivery just seemed to confirm they truly believed the bile they spat.

Over two hours of new material flew by, but it was the closing segment that seemed to just peel back a layer or two. Skinner was explaining what an insecure boyfriend he makes, manically fussing over the non-arrival of text messages and then when they do arrive, panicking that the affirmation of love is not clear or strong enough ("no fucking kiss at the end"). As he continued, it was interesting to note that the ever present cheeky grin of Skinner's had gone, and for the first time there seemed to be a genuine look of anguish on his face. His delivery had also changed, from the upbeat 'laff-a-minute' style, to an intense, uncomfortable, tearing at the soul, as though he were confessing to a counsellor rather than an audience. The sketch went on perhaps a little too long (but then tonight’s show is one of the first of the tour, and no doubt some fine tuning is still to take place), and was not particularly funny, but it was certainly very interesting, and I felt there was perhaps more truth in this segment than any of his previous material, and the portrayal of an insecure, manically obsessed, loveless 50 year old may have been closer than he'd like to admit.

Had he finished on that note, I think the audience may have walked out looking a bit bemused, but fortunately he was back for a quick encore, and yes you guessed it…it was a bloody song!

So on the whole, a strong return to the stand-up scene. His material has not particularly matured, but perhaps he finally has?

Details of the tour and ticket availability (not many by the looks of things!) can be found here:-

http://www.frankskinnerlive.com/tickets.php

Piley

When Bands Go Bad

Marriage\relationships tend to go one of four ways:-

1. It starts off all lovey dovey, but slowly your partner gets bored\disillusioned and bails out
2. As above, but it’s YOU that bails out
3. You stick it out to the bitter end, but neither party are interested or happy
4. It really was the love of your life, and you have fun, fun, fun right to the end of the ride.

Well unfortunately, options 1, 2 and 3 are fairly common, but fortunately, there is real help out there to get you through these tough times (Relate\Marriage Guidance\counselling services, stuff like that). But shouldn’t these services widen their horizons and help out those REALLY in need – the music fan? Ok, let me explain..

It’s a regular story of boy (or girl) meets band (or artist), boy (or girl) falls in love with band. They may be brand new or just new to you, but you discover em and you totally dig what they do -- the songs are fresh, exciting, the band look amazing and there is a real passion that comes across. You get yourself along to as many gigs as you can, and before too long, you are love sick! It’s like they've formed just for your enjoyment. You start, picking up all sorts of merchandise (official and otherwise), and before you know it you’ve got half a dozen T-shirts, a nice selection of badges and a coffee mug and mouse mat for work. Everything is cool though, everyone knows where you are at, and it doesn't matter if others like the band or not, this band represents you and stands for everything you do, so fuck you!

But then…

they do the dirty on you
The first signs that all is not well is the first iffy single that creeps out, causing a mild sweat. Then the new press photos start to appear.. shit! they changed their look, I hate that look! Then, to cement the misery, the awful new album. Of course by then it's too late! Everyone now knows you like that band, cos you’ve been wearing those bloody T-shirts every day and spouting off to anyone who’ll listen about “the connection between me and the band, man”. So now when everyone hears these new songs, they assume you must like them. There's a sudden urge to clarify to everyone you know (and quite a few of those you don't) the exact period of the band's career you are into. You feel betrayed, hurt and cheated by the band, what did you do to deserve this? And you resent the fact they’ve made you look a right charley at work. The shirts go to the back of the wardrobe, the mousemat ends up in the stationery cupboard at work and that mug goes in the guest cups draw for when the area manager turns up (nobody likes him).

you do the dirty on them
Well they think it’s real love, and they want nothing more than to carry on pleasing you forever. But you’ve started to lose interest… that 3rd album DID sound a bit like the 2nd one (and that was a rip off of the 1st). They send you regular love letters (AKA myspace bulletins and e-mailshots), but unlike those early days when you’d even print em off for posterity, you’ve not even bothered to open the last few “stop harassing me ya boring bastards”... Easier to handle than the 1st scenario, as you are calling the shots, you tell them that you can still be friends, and you’ll definitely keep in touch – but within a week you’ve sold all the CDs on e-bay for a quid.

The loveless marriage
The pain can only intensify when bands linger on too long. Refusing to do the decent thing as they desperately hang on, despite having long since exhausted any creativity. Ask just about any fan of a band that’s been kicking around for 30+ years and they’ll tell ya it’s a living hell. I know two big Status Quo fans, and both of them tell me they have been shit since the mid-1980s. But that's over 20 years ago! Yet they continue to sell out their tours and shift respectable amounts of CDs. So who is attending these shows and buying these CDs exactly? Well, mainly long-haired bald men (no, that wasn’t a typing error!), all apologising profusely and clarifying the years that the band “really rocked”. You can’t miss them, they always seem to be looking at the floor, which is either embarrassment, or they’re keeping an eye out for the plug of the life support machine, so they can accidentally kick it out and end everyone’s pain and suffering. To add even further to the turmoil, the anal retentive collectors of us out there (I’m one of em!) will also feel morally obliged to keep on buying any crap they continue to release 'for the collection' and it's all been sitting there for 20 years, unplayed!

When we’re stuck in this position why do we carry on the suffering? Why can’t we just say “well, thanks for the ride guys, but this just isn't any fun anymore. We had a blast but it’s over”. A quickie divorce (irreconcilable differences), but still on friendly terms for the sake of the CDs.

But lets finish this post on a positive note..

the love of your life!
Those bands that have stuck with you, they changed, they matured, they experimented, and you loved every bloody minute of it! Fantastic.

Bands I’ve done the dirty on:-

The Fall - “erm, it’s not you, it’s me. I know I said I loved you, but maybe I was just saying that to try an look cool?? You really are quite dull and fairly unlistenable aren’t you??”

Oasis - ditto

Pet Shop Boys - we parted company a very long time ago now, but it must have been me wot did the dirty, because they sound exactly the same 25 years on!

Erasure - ditto!!!

The Darkness -shit, it wasn’t funny, clever or ironic after all was it?


Bands who did the dirty on me:-
Kings of Leon - I know more people like them now, but the last 2 albums sound embarrassing to me… sent em a text and said they were “dumped”

The Mission - from Goth Gods to Dance Dunces in one easy move. Criminal. I said I thought I’d “left the gas on”, and I’d be “right back”. That was the late 80’s, I guess they are over it now..

Rolling Stones - They seemed to turn into your dad over night

Bands I have a loveless marriage to:-
Alice Cooper - I love the guy, and he was a genius for SO long. Then there was the terrible ‘poodle rock’ era, and some pretty bad metal albums after that. But he JUST does enough to keep you hanging on. 2001’s ‘Dragontown’ album sounded like nine inch nails, and it was actually ok, but was filed away within the week. I still pick up every new album though.

Bands I’ve enjoyed the whole ride with:-
The Damned - more changes (in both line up and style) than you can shake a stick at, but just about every one a winner. 31 years on they are still out there, still doing it. The last album was their 1st official release for over 15 years, and I was dreading it, but it was an instant classic, with nods in style to many of their classic moments

Marc Almond - legend. The guy has been doing it since 1980 and has never slipped into that ‘cashing in on the past’ mode of terrible 80’s nostalgia tours. Always pushing the boundaries and each new album has a new direction. From glam rock to Russian folk songs, he’s done it all. His live shows are hard to beat too

Blur - always interesting, and always innovative. Talk of a reform (with Graham Coxon) in the coming months can only be good news. Hard to believe now that Oasis were considered the ‘big winner’ of the Brit Pop war.

Sparks - again, always entertaining, and never resting on their laurels. Ron and Russell continue to really care about their music

Iggy Pop - has this guy ever made a bad record? Well one or two probably, but what a star. Never sold out, still credible even though he’s in his 60’s. You’ll never see the Igg-ster fall for the lure of money at the expense of his art

David Bowie - we had a little lovers tiff in the 80’s, but he came back, and his last few solo albums have been quality. Another one who still cares about what he does. He cold be like Sting and just bash out any old nonsense and watch the money come in, but he still tries. If you haven’t heard them, recent albums such as Hours (1999), Heathen (2002) and Reality (2003) are Bowie back on form.

So there you have it – it aint easy following a band. What bands are in your lists?

Piley

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